Orphan of father and mother, my yoga practice has now definitely gone solo... T & L are "gone", so I had to quit my whining, "man" up and take up the commitment to practice by myself, after almost a year and a half of excuses and lazy bones. 

Four years since I first started, three years after my teachers came into my life and changed my practice and my way to look at many aspects of them both, it's time to really make the commitment.

So my best friend T, who started this journey with me four years ago and who is well into the intermediate series and into teaching, has put a shrine together where many of our role models get together and inspire us to go a bit further everyday.

It's not easy to go back, to gather the strenght to get up every morning after a night's work at the casino, after barely having any sleep at all, and hit that mat, feeling like your every exercise is your last... Surya namaskar is like trying to lift up 100 tons after months on end without a regular practice. So that's when I start thinking: "I'll only do Surya Namaskar, I'm way too tired" but right after I think "Ok, Surya Namaskar is done so I'll just do standing and thats already very good for someone who is pretty much starting from scratch". But no, I already know that when I start, I can make all the excuses I want in my head, but there's no way I won't finish. Because I know, when you're laying on the ground in savasana, you never ever regret having practiced until your very last posture.

Ashtanga yoga is my daily sacrifice, and I always think I "suffer" for two hours everyday, so I don't have to suffer the other twenty two. 

After the new moon yesterday, today was my second practice and all my body was aching: muscles, kidneys, ovaries and my body was screaming no, but still I had to do it, and after the standing asanas I could hardly remember I felt any pain to begin with, even if I (still and for a long time won't have it) lack the strenght to jump back properly.

Tears flow freely while I'm at it, when I look at my masters' photo on the shrine, with both of them smiling at me, while I regret all those classes that I missed because I was busy making up excuses. I know I have a long way to go now, as I did when I started. I can barely stretch my legs or bend properly in paschimottanasana and I know all the hard work I had put it into it, is all gone to waste.

There is sadness when I reach marichyasana D and remember how joyous I felt when I started to do it all by myself. Maybe by Christmas time I think to myself.

I remind myself constantly to try to erase the constant thoughts about daily life that come into my mind, and focus on my breathing and my drishte and my bandas, and just let go. One thing I know, I can't rush it, I just have to take my time now. This is not a race, not even with myself. I can't do it today, or maybe even next month, but I know I will get there eventually. There is always a small victory in one's practice everyday and today mine was lifting up effortlessly to dreaded sirshasana and taking my fifteen breaths, that I can almost never do. 

Today I rewarded myself with jasmin tea, and decided to create yet another boring yogi blog. Who knows where it will take me, but one thing is certain, it's hygienic for me to put my reflections into words and bring the yoga out of our little shala and to the rest my daily living.